That’s it. In a nutshell, breaking up sucks. Being dumped is possibly worse, as you didn’t make the decision yourself and had the person you love ripped away from you.
I am confused every day. I don’t know how I’m feeling. I love him or I hate him, but I always miss him. I miss us. I miss when he used to want to see me. When just messaging could perk up his dreary day. I miss him cuddling me when I was upset. He hadn’t hugged me in a way that I felt loved in months. And people said I should have left him a while ago because of how I felt, but I just could never do it. I loved him too much. I still do. And so it was him to end it. He just stopped caring about me, or us.
I was reading through my now-ex’s blog. He’s not posted anything in a long time, and I can’t actually find the post I was looking for that he wrote when he broke up with me last year. (Yes it sounds entirely childish that we’ve broken up twice, but we had a 2year relationship, it’s not like we were teenagers breaking up every month.) So, I couldn’t find the old article I was looking for. Instead I found where he’d written about how to be forgotten was a fate worse than death. I knew he cared about stuff like this, it’s why I bought him for his first birthday of us together, a star named after him. In the Hercules constellation as I used to call him my Hercules as he was a strong guy with a heart of gold and he had these bright blue Greek god-like eyes and blonde hair. Anyway, distracting myself from dwelling too much on his looks, I will share with you a quote from his post.
“As time goes by acquaintances fade, friends move away and families create their own. A single persons impact on other lives become weaker as time goes by and others move on
what I’m trying to say in a long roundabout way is that i don’t want to be forgotten, selfishly i want my life to affect others for as long as possible, i want people to consider me when making plans, i want people to wonder what I’m doing and want to meet up with me.
Because I’ll do that for you…… but would you do that for me?”
Now is the part I want to break down. I did all that. And I did it too much. And by the end of it, he was sick of the sight of me, the thought of me, and just didn’t want to be with me anymore. I was no angel, but by the end of our relationship I had done everything I could to try and keep us together. I have been a bad girlfriend in the past, I have been a bad person. But this relationship is where I really thought I’d see myself get old and be with the man I love for the rest of my life. It’s all I wanted. I can’t explain how much it hurts to be giving someone everything you thought they wanted, and then get thrown away, twice. He told me I had hurt him in a previous argument we had, I took it upon myself to change all the stuff he said had been upsetting him. I asked him to do a few things, and he didn’t. There’s little things that are important to me, and he couldn’t do it. Like hang out with me at my parent’s house, but he never had the time. Or message me in the morning before I message him, as I always felt I was running after his attention and trying to get him to acknowledge me. I know how I sound like a psycho obsessive girlfriend but I’m not. I ask him these things because (from actual experience) I have learned that I have to message him, otherwise he went up to 4 days not talking to me. And then said I was stupid for not talking to him.
I took him back the first time, and it was hard to move on from the heart break of being broken up with, plus before he had broken up with me he spent a solid month never telling me he loved me and the only thing that brought me back to him was purely how much I loved him and how he said it wouldn’t happen again. In the past few months before he ended our relationship there were no kisses from him in messages (small things are important to me). No affection or sexual advances in life. He barely said ‘I love you’ unless it was in response to me saying it or as a reflex before leaving for work. People wonder why some people have such little self worth. This is why. Meant to be the person who makes you feel like the most important heart beating on the planet? Makes me feel more like my breathing interrupted his concentration on other things. And I got left by him. Not the other way around. I stuck around feeling worthless, feeling like something he accidentally left in his bag and hasn’t yet thrown in the bin. Because I love(d) him.
Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.
Well he’s gotten what he wanted. My life is changed, and I won’t be forgetting him. I wish it just wasn’t negative. Nobody can forget this kind of heart ache.
P.s. One of my worst memories of our decline was his response to my ‘bedroom outfit’ for our 2nd anniversary. We went for a lovely meal, went back to the flat, went to the bedroom, I presented myself in my nice outfit. He looked me up and down, shook his head and said… ‘Nah.’ …..If he’d been my best friend’s fella and I’d found out he’d done that, I would have ripped his balls off. He made he feel so shit by the end of it. And all I can look back to is the bad stuff. The good stuff hurts too much. He got his wish. As I’m certainly not forgetting him or half of this crap.
Life In Multicolour 